Mark Svartz Guest Post: Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day: A Date Which Will Live In Infamy
By Mark Svartz,
Author of I Hate You, Kelly Donahue

On the night of February 14th, millions of happy couples around the world will express their undying love for each other as they celebrate the holiday known as Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, millions of single people will be home alone on this night of romance -- in the case of girls, eating pints of Haagen-Dazs while watching The Notebook and, in the case of guys, fantasizing about single girls who are home alone eating Haagen-Dazs while watching The Notebook.

Now, in theory, that doesn't sound so bad. I like undying love. I like ice cream. I like fantasizing. But for some unexplainable reason, I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!

And I know what you're thinking. Cue the obligatory antivalentinist objections we've heard over and over. "It's manufactured romance!" and "It's a fabricated Hallmark holiday designed to encourage commercialism!" Well, sir, to those complaints I say, "Poppycock!" (And I almost never say "Poppycock!" so you know I really mean it.)

First off, who the hell cares that it's forcing people to be romantic? Woe is me, for we have to endure a universally mandated day of kissing and under-the-shirt-over-the-bra boob touching. Oh the horror! Sorry to disappoint you, but Valentine's Day is no one's Vietnam. If you need a day to gripe about, shift your objections to Flag Day. Forcing romance is way less offensive than forcing flag.

And as for the ol' anti-consumerism angle, I'd buy your argument, but then you'd probably just yell at me for buying it. Honestly, I hate Valentine's Day as much as the next guy, but not because of consumerism. Hell, I love consumerism. I love it so much, I might just buy it some heart-shaped chocolates. Sure, consumerism leaves a bitter taste in the mouth when it comes to extravagant excesses like fur coats and heroin. But when we're talking about positive, feel-good purchases like flowers, candy, and humor novels that have been referred to as "demented and hilarious," "laugh-out-loud," and "a book that will be remembered for a long, long time" -- consumerism is A-OK with me.

So, why do I hate Valentine's Day? Well . . . cause I just do! It's just one of those guttural reactions, kind of like how I despise black licorice, hairless cats, and Pat Sajak. The heart hates what the heart hates. And since I'm sure there are others out there who share this same innate disgust for February 14th, I will now give you five irrefutable reasons to validate your derision.

1. Indian Airlines Flight 605
What happened on this flight? Oh no biggie, it just crashed on Valentine's Day in 1990, killing 92 innocent people. Why did it crash, you ask? I dunno, maybe because of "Failure of the pilots to realize the gravity of the situation and respond immediately towards proper action of moving the throttles, in spite of knowing that the plane was in idle/open descent mode." Hmm, sounds like a couple of pilots were too busy celebrating this day of love to focus on not-murdering Indian people. Thank you for crashing planes, Valentine's Day!

2. Rob Thomas
If there was no February 14th, one Robert Kelly "Rob" Thomas would never have been born in West Germany in 1972. And if Rob Thomas would never have been born, the band Matchbox 20 would never have been formed. And if Matchbox 20 would never have been formed, the song "3 A.M." would never have been written. And if the song "3 A.M." would never have been written, I would never have felt the urge to stab my eardrums with a screwdriver every time I turned on the radio from February '98-July '99. Thank you for ruining 18 months of my life, Valentine's Day!

3. Ras Marye of Yejju Marches into Tigray and Defeats and Kills Dejazmach Sabagadis in the Battle of Debre Abbay
Do you remember where you were on February 14, 1831? Well, if you were Dejazmach Sabagadis, you'd be in Tigray, getting defeated and killed by Ras Marye of Yejju in the Battle of Debre Abbay. And it would suck so hard! Thank you for allowing Ras Marye of Yejju to march into Tigray and defeat and kill Dejazmach Sabagadis in the Battle of Debre Abbay, Valentine's Day!

4. Arizona
On February 14, 1912, Arizona was admitted as the 48th U.S. state, producing such notable Arizonians as Republican Senator John McCain, The Family Circus creator Bil Keane, and David Spade. Thanks for nothing, Valentine's Day! [NOTE: If this piece runs in any Arizona papers, just on the off chance that some of them are literate, let's replace Arizona with the equally insignificant Oregon, which was also admitted as a U.S. state on February 14th. And instead of the "notable" Arizonians, let's go with such "celebrated" Oregonians as sportscaster Ahmad Rashad, Miss Teen USA 2003 Tami Farrell, and . . .  hell, just go with Sally Struthers.]

5. The Day Love Died
February 14th is supposed to be known for love, eh? Well I seem to remember it as the day love died. On this day in 1989, boxer Mike Tyson and actress Robin Givens officially got divorced, ending one of the most passionate romances in the history of humankind. But you don't see that printed on a greeting card, do you? You don't see I DIVORCE YOU stamped on any heart-shaped candies. If a love as true as that of Mike & Robin could fall apart on February 14th, the whole day is a sham. A SHAM! Thank you for destroying love and turning a shy, harmless, pigeon advocate into a raging, ear-biting, convicted rapist, Valentine's Day!

Note: Mark Svartz is the author of a new novel, I HATE YOU, KELLY DONAHUE. This humor piece does not reflect the true feelings of the author. He is in fact a huge fan of the great states of Arizona and Oregon, as well as the distinguished work of its citizens, particularly Ahmad Rashad and his beautiful wife, Mrs. Huxtable. He also bears no ill will towards accomplished musician Rob Thomas or Indian Airlines or actor and ornithologist Mike Tyson. But as for Ras Marye of Yejju, he can go to hell. Not cool, Ras Marye of Yejju! Not cool.

Lory Kaufman Blog Tour Guest Post

Question: I would love to learn about Lory’s inspiration for History Camps, and why he chose the story's setting as 1347 Verona, Italy. It must have been a hard decision to make. History is filled with many other interesting places and time periods.

Answer: Choosing a setting for a story usually happens in two parts for me. The first is the inspiration, where I’m just day dreaming or doing something, like cutting the lawn, putting out the recycling or, most often, I’m on a long walk. Then, without warning, some random incident will cause a click in my brain. It’s a real click, like a video screen changing channels. Suddenly I’m in the middle of a story. Over the short span of a few seconds a whole universe unfolds and I’m watching a character in the middle of some situation. Then two or three subsequent incidents, streaming off the first, flash in front of my mind’s eye. It’s like a dream, where you think it’s lasted hours, but apparently, the whole experience lasts but a few seconds.

I used to think that all I had to do then was fill in the in between bits, between the original inspiration and the subsequent events, write an introduction and then an ending. As a consequence of this naïve thinking I have journal upon journal, full of half developed story ideas. I would dive in, scribble page after page, writing what I call, free fall, where I’d just see how one thing leads to the next. The result was most ideas have just stayed in their journal, stillborn and silent.

Because this happened often I learned to be very careful, which brings me to the second part; qualifying the characters, story and setting.

What I do now is write the original inspiration as an elevator pitch . . . the shortest description of the story concept I can muster. It's like you've just met a big publisher in an elevator and only have the length of the ride to inspire them with a great story idea. With this done I’ll start writing point forms of the story, characters, settings, etc. It’s a long, arduous vetting process that takes months, where you come back to it with a new puzzle piece, seeing if it fits. Now don’t get me wrong, this is all creative work, but done in a logical manner, because a novel has thousands of things to consider, thousands.

But the question is about how I picked 1347 Verona, Italy out of all the times in history. I’ve explained my process. Now to the specific.

Again, the first seed of choosing 1347 Verona came from a series of unexpected inspirations. I had the criteria for a concept. I wanted to send kids from a future world back in time to before our time. I was going to have them involved in some sort of ancient industry, to make them appreciate how easy their modern lives were in contrast. With this quest placed firmly in my subconscious, I went about the everyday business of life. Then it happened.

I was in a local Lens Crafters store with my mother. Some weeks earlier she’d had a cataract operation and we had to keep going back to have the lenses of her glasses changed several time to accommodate her new vision. Having this happen to my own mother, it made me think about people from the past, how it would have been for, say, a seamstress or a blacksmith or . . . anyone. How could they do their job, make a living, if their eye sight was failing? I know that without my glasses I can’t work for long, or at all, and it was oddly emotional the day after my mother’s operation where she spoke of waking up the next day and being able to read the alarm clock from across her bedroom. She thought she had slept with her glasses on. When I heard her recount this, I received a sympathetic and emotional shock. (code for started to cry) Perhaps it was this that caused it, but while I was in the Lens Crafters, watching them make lenses within an hour on ultra modern equipment, that I started to wonder what the first lens making equipment looked like. Back at home I researched when glasses were first invented. Their first mention in the historical record is in 13th century Italy, although magnifying stones had been around for several thousand years, as far back as ancient Egypt. But it was in Italy where two lenses in a frame were first propped up on the bridge of a person's nose. What then “clicked” in my head was the fact that this was also the time of the Romeo and Juliet story. And whammo! I sat, as always when inspiration strikes, my brow furrowed and my body frozen like a statue. The possibilities began to spin in my mind, incidents and the faces of colorful characters, yet without names, popped into my mind. Then I pulled myself out of my trance and sat down at my laptop and wrote down the stream of consciousness that had just been flying through my brain.

My curmudgeonly high school art instructor, Mr. Meachan, used to say in his thick, Scottish accent, “Art is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. Girls, start perspirin' and boys start sweatin!!” It’s true. After the inspiration, the work really starts, including research. I love research because, again, stories and ideas just seem to spin off from it. It puts me back into a fantasy world. I think this is the “high” that keeps me going.

On this particular project I spent the better part of six months researching Italy, then Verona, Romeo and Juliet, ancient lens making, clothing and foods, regional names, developing characters . . . the list went on and on. Like I said, months are spent trying out and rationalizing if things work. You bring in and throw out lots of research. But eventually things fell into place, and what a place. Verona worked because there’s no better place to set a young love story than the home of Romeo and Juliet. The ancient technology of lens making worked because it showed a time when what was a craft turned into a science, the science of optics. It showed how a simple invention took so much manpower and dedication, always a good thing to make young and old readers appreciate the past. And the setting was exotic. Verona, Italy is absolutely beautiful. After I had been working on and off the project for some years, I arranged to spend four days in Verona, at the end of a holiday. You can see those pictures on my History Camp Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/historycamptrilogy?v=info).

-Amanda